Reflections – jinsil • truth

The Grass isn’t Always Greener on the Other Side.

May 19, 2025May 19, 2025by myscho93Leave a Comment

They say comparison is the thief of joy—and they’re right. When you’re constantly looking at what others have, it becomes harder to appreciate what’s in front of you. Discontentment and jealousy creep in, and soon enough, your focus shifts from gratitude to lack.

Lately, I’ve caught myself falling into that trap. Comparing myself to others. Wondering why I’m not where they are. But in the midst of that spiral, I was reminded of a powerful church activity I did back in high school.

One Sunday, during small group, our leader handed each of us a slip of paper and asked us to write down something we were struggling with. I don’t remember exactly what I wrote—probably something about struggling with lust—but I remember the process clearly. We folded our papers and placed them in a jar. After giving it a good shake, she scattered the folded notes across the floor and began to open them one by one.

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Reflections

Fasting

May 19, 2025by myscho93Leave a Comment

I failed my fast—not once, not twice, but three times. The funny thing is, I’ve done three-day fasts before, and they were a total breeze. But those were for health reasons. This time, I tried fasting for spiritual reasons and bruh… the resistance was real.

The entire time, my mind was consumed with food. No matter what I tried to focus on, my thoughts would somehow wander back to it. It was honestly so frustrating. Leaving the house only made it worse—being surrounded by restaurants was pure torture. Temptation around every corner.

I began the fast on Friday, fully confident I’d make it through three days. WRONG. I crumbled quickly and broke the fast. As I was eating, I told myself I’d start fresh on Saturday. But guess what? Failed again. On my way home, I spotted Pepe’s and thought, Ooh, maybe a California burrito… But I accidentally took the wrong turn and couldn’t get there. I laughed to myself, thinking, Maybe God doesn’t want me to eat Pepe’s. But then I passed my favorite bento spot—and the next thing I knew, I had parked, gone inside, and placed an order. No hesitation. No looking back.

Once again, I told myself, Alright, for real this time—Sunday is the day. But guess what? After church, I ended up eating a chicken sandwich. Did I regret it? Kind of. But also… that chicken sandwich was bomb LOL.

I seriously underestimated how difficult a three-day spiritual fast would be. I assumed it would be easy since my past fasts went so smoothly. Man, was I wrong. Looking back, I really should’ve prayed before starting—asking God for the strength to get through it.

Welp. Lesson learned. I’ll be reattempting the fast next month. Round two—lesgooo LMAO.

Reflections

Restoring the Wasted Years.

May 18, 2025May 18, 2025by myscho93Leave a Comment

When I was 18, I looked ahead to my 20s with so much hope. I envisioned a life neatly mapped out—I believed I’d be married by 23 and have a growing family by 28. I planned it all with confidence and expectation.

But reality turned out much differently.

Looking back, what I feel most is regret. My 20s could have been a time of drawing closer to God, of deepening my faith, and serving wholeheartedly in ministry. They could have been years of becoming the woman God was calling me to be.

Instead, I chased after fleeting relationships and spent money recklessly. I gave my heart to people who didn’t deserve it, and I cried over heartbreaks that only left me feeling more empty. Rather than filling my soul with the Word of God, I filled it with material things that offered no real comfort. I tried to numb the pain with food and distractions, avoiding the emptiness I didn’t want to face.

My 20s were marked by decisions that pulled me away from God. I lived in sin, and even now, I’m still experiencing the consequences of those choices.

I wasted my 20s—and that truth is hard to carry.

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Reflections

I’m Tired.

May 14, 2025May 18, 2025by myscho93Leave a Comment

These past few weeks at work have been incredibly difficult. Since my friend and co-worker went on maternity leave, the workload has become overwhelming. Even before she left, things were chaotic, but the continued lack of effective management has only made it worse. I’ve been scrambling to finish projects at the last minute, again and again, and it’s been draining. I feel like I’m running on fumes. Honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.

Today, as I was driving home, I broke down in tears. I cried out to God, telling Him I don’t want to be in this season anymore. I’m tired—mentally, emotionally, and physically. I crave rest, but I feel stuck, weighed down by past financial decisions that have left me with limited options. That weight has slowly turned into bitterness—bitterness toward myself. I’m disappointed in the choices I made, and my mind can’t stop spiraling into a flood of what ifs.

What if I had taken my faith more seriously in my twenties? What if I had been spiritually grounded back then? Would I be in a different place today? Would I be married to a Godly man, raising a family, living a life that feels more aligned with the dreams I’ve always had?

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Reflections

Choosing to Stay Content in My Single Season.

May 9, 2025May 9, 2025by myscho93Leave a Comment

“You’ll find the right person when you least expect it.” Every time I hear that, I feel like punching a wall. It’s genuinely triggering. I wish married people realized that this kind of advice doesn’t help—it actually makes things worse. It reminds me of the kind of comfort Job’s friends tried to offer: well-intentioned, maybe, but ultimately dismissive of real pain. Of course, my suffering isn’t on the scale of Job’s, but the truth is, being single is the deepest ache in my life right now.

This discontent has been building for a long time, but it’s intensified as more of my friends have gotten married and started families. I can’t help but compare myself to them. Slowly, jealousy and bitterness—toward them and toward God—have crept into my heart. I want what they have. I want to be home, raising a child, building a life with someone. That’s the life that feels meaningful to me.

Instead, I’m exhausted—drained by the demands of corporate life. I go to work, I stare at screens, I sit in meetings, I chase deadlines. And for what? Who am I doing this for? What am I working toward? Yes, I get a paycheck, but that’s it. There’s no lasting satisfaction in it. I have no passion for climbing a corporate ladder, no interest in helping grow someone else’s empire. No matter where I work, I feel unfulfilled. The truth is, the life that seems most meaningful to me is one where I’m a wife and a mother. But I don’t have anyone. No partner, no prospects. And that’s what breaks me. I feel stuck in a place I don’t want to be.

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Reflections

The Lord Never Fails to Provide.

May 8, 2025by myscho93Leave a Comment

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my boss about bonuses. She told me, “Since we worked our butts off last year and the company did well in 2024, your bonus this year has increased to 13% instead of the usual 10%.” “Sweeeeet,” I replied. I may have sounded nonchalant, but deep down, I was thrilled.

Reflecting on this, I can’t help but see God’s hand in every step of my journey. He’s always provided for me—even when I didn’t feel deserving. My first job came to me unexpectedly. I didn’t even apply; the company found my portfolio on the school website and reached out to offer me an interview. That was all God.

When I was laid off from that first job, God sustained me through unemployment benefits. And just as those benefits were about to end, I received a new job offer. The same thing happened when I was laid off again later—benefits carried me through, and on the very week of my last payment, someone I had worked with previously offered me a new role.

My third job was demanding. It was a startup, and I had to juggle multiple responsibilities. On top of that, I went through a frightening health scare that left me drained—physically and emotionally. I remember praying, telling God I had nothing left in me. Just weeks later, I got a message from my college friend and former roommate. Her company was hiring, and she asked if I wanted to apply. I immediately sent my resume and portfolio, and the rest is history. I’m still at that job today. (Huge thanks to my friend!)

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Reflections

Transitioning to Christian Music

May 5, 2025May 5, 2025by myscho93Leave a Comment

“Hey, when I die, play Jay Park’s Mommae at my funeral.” My friend jokingly replied, “I’ll dance on top of your coffin.”

For the longest time, I found Christian music dull and unengaging. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t connect with it. I used to think all Christian songs sounded like Chris Tomlin’s—not to discredit him; he’s a talented artist—but I naturally gravitated toward secular music. The beats and melodies felt more dynamic and captivating. I’ve always been the type of listener who values rhythm and melody over lyrics.

But over time, secular music started to sound increasingly dark to me. So many songs revolved around sex, drugs, and outright sin. I began paying closer attention to the lyrics, and whenever I heard the word “Devil” in a song, I couldn’t continue listening—something about it deeply unsettled me.

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Reflections

Sermon Reflection #1 (May 04, 2025)

May 4, 2025May 5, 2025by myscho93Leave a Comment

It’s been quite a while since I went to church on my own. I think the last time was sometime last year, and even then, it was just a visit. For nearly two years, I haven’t been attending church consistently. I struggled to commit. The idea of finding a church with sound doctrine and stepping into a new community felt overwhelming. Time after time, I told myself I’d start looking for a church—only to keep putting it off.

Recently, though, I felt a strong conviction from God. I realized that if I truly want to learn and grow, I need to find a church home and get plugged in. So I decided to visit Calvary Chapel. A good friend had told me that the pastor’s teachings aligned with my beliefs, so I planned to attend the 10 a.m. service.

But when I arrived, the parking situation was chaotic. The line of cars trying to get in was long, and since it was my first time, I wasn’t sure where to park. The traffic flowed only one way, so I had to loop around just to try again. On my second attempt, I accidentally pulled into the senior-only parking area. After spending over 20 minutes trying to find a spot, I felt frustrated so I decided to head back home.

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Reflections

Dreams of Clogged-Up Toilets

May 3, 2025May 4, 2025by myscho93Leave a Comment

For some reason, I’m able to recall some of my dreams including those from my childhood. One recurring theme throughout these dreams was the presence of backed-up toilets. Let me explain. In these dreams, I would find myself desperately searching for a restroom, only to discover that every toilet I encountered was clogged with menstrual blood, feces, and urine. They were some of the most revolting toilets I’ve ever seen. I would move from stall to stall, growing more frustrated with each attempt, but no matter what, I couldn’t find a clean toilet where I could relieve myself.

If I had that one dream only once then that would be the end of it. But these backed-up toilets have appeared in my dreams more than 10 times—10 different nights. When something keeps recurring like that, it feels like it might be trying to tell me something. I looked it up online, and I found a few interpretations. Apparently, dreaming about clogged toilets can mean:

It might symbolize feeling like I can’t release emotions or situations that are weighing me down.
It could also be tied to physical concerns, like issues with menstrual health or digestion.
It might represent feelings of vulnerability, shame, or a lack of control over my life.
Or it could suggest there’s something emotionally or psychologically that I need to “clear out,” but I’m struggling to do so.

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